50 years of longing (oktober 2002)

(This text has an important addition of new insights)

I was born 50 years ago. I brought three things to this world. My fysical body, my spirit and my emotions.

My mother said yes to my fysical body and took good care of it. But she could not aprove of my spirit and my emotions. She said: "No, I won´t have them".

So I started to grow as a fysical human being, but had to hide my spirit and my emotions. This has caused me great pain for 50 years.

On my last danceworkshop I was as often before laying on my blanket in a corner in regression flowing through emotions of pain and dispair in my cribble. "Mother, why do you say no to my spirit and my emotions?" I was crying out with my whole body.

Suddenly my mother reappeared in the form of two lovely women. And after 50 years of longing she said yes.

I danced the rest of the workshop in joy and great compassion.

23 juni 2002

Tobbe

New insight:

My longing for a better mother has kept me from being able to confront all my childhood pains. It has made it impossible for me to complete my healing process. It keeps me stuck in my past and with false and impossible hope. My longing makes me confuse past and present.

Instead I have to live through and accept all the pains of the past. My mother caused my great emotional pain. What happened can´t be undone. She won´t come back.

My present is good. I have family and friends that care for me and sometimes lovely women see and ease my pain. I have grown up and can take care of myself and heal my past wounds.

27 oktober 2002

Tobbe